AMONGST THE HERD
THE OTHER DAY, I--ALLEGEDLY--WOKE UP IN MY VEHICLE. I HAD FALLEN ASLEEP IN IT, AND I ACCIDENTALLY ROLLED DOWN THIS HILL, THROUGH A FENCE, AND INTO A VAST FIELD. NO KIDDING! THAT WAS MY BAD, DEFINITELY. TO MY SURPRISE, THIS MASSIVE HERD AWAKENED ME ON THIS DAY BY GRINDING AND MOANING OUTSIDE OF MY VEHICLE. "OH MY GOSH," I THOUGHT. "WHAT IS IT THAT THESE GREAT BEASTS WANT OF ME?" IT WAS AS IF THESE GARGANTUAN BEHEMOTHS HAD COLLECTIVELY DECREED THAT MY OWN VOLVO XC60 WAS A FORMIDABLE MATE--OR THE HEFTIEST HEFER--FOR EVEN THEIR MOST HUMONGOUS MEMBERS. YES, THESE BEASTS CLEARLY HAD A NEED FOR SWEDE. SO HERE I WAS, NOW JOLTED AWAKE AND ALREADY CAUGHT IN THE PRE-COITAL THROES. OH MY! THEY GYRATED AGAINST MY SUV AS WE SAT, HELPLESS, IN SOMEONE ELSE'S FERTILE PLAYING FIELD. I QUICKLY REALIZED THAT MY PHEROMONES WERE LIKELY TO BLAME--WHAT ELSE COULD POSSIBLY HAVE GOTTEN THESE RAGING BULLS SO HOT AND BOTHERSOME? HOW COULD I EVEN BE MAD? AFTER ALL, ALL OF THE ANIMALS LOVE TO LOVE ME. LUCKILY, I HAD GEICO 24-HOUR ROADSIDE ASSISTANCE. THEY COME FIELDSIDE TOO. PHEW. I WAS GETTING WORRIED.
